Reflections

Sometimes we can feel without touching... It's called emotions... 

Sometimes we have to touch to feel... It's called desire... 

Sometimes we touch we never feel... It's called ignorance...

And there are times when we touch and retouch... and the feeling is different every time. 

That's what we call life... the rest is only reflections... 

If you love someone

If you love someone because you think he or she is really gorgeous...

Then it's not love, but it's "infatuation."

If you love someone because you think that you shouldn't leave her

because others think that you shouldn't... 

Then it's not love, but it's "compromise."

If you love someone because you think that you cannot live without her touch...

Then it's not love, but it's "lust."

If you love someone because you have been kissed by her...

Then it's not love, but it's "inferiority complex."

If you love someone you cannot leave her thinking that it would hurt her feelings...

Then it's not love, but it's "charity."

If you love someone because you share everything with her...

Then it's not love, but it's "friendship."

If you get attracted to other people but stay with her without any regrets... that's love.

If you let her go knowing that she has to go but she doesnt want to... that's love.

Regret

There were plenty of subtle clues that when I think about now, seemed to have given me many warnings. It was inevitable the way things were happening, that the end of the road would be anything but what it was. A complete and utter failure.

It was a simple job for some, yet it would have required some others a lifetime of effort to achieve what was achieved. It is a sheer myth that there exists an ability in a person that allows him to deal with any and all situations. Life is a complicated bag full of surprises and perplexing circumstances that are naturally out of every control.

The limitations of time and existence mean that you only have a single opportunity to make even the most important decisions of your life. Mistakes are bound to happen and such mistakes are what cause a lifetime of regret.

There was a time when my life was moving in the best way possible, a life with no regrets. Yet they did come and they arrived in various forms. A regret of the past about a thing that never happened for those actions had made sure a future that can no longer happen. Living with such regret makes every new decision you take in life all the more difficult.

Each new circumstance looks like it has something similar to that failed scenario which you had to endure. The lack of timely decision making just adds more items to that ever-increasing list of things you regret till it starts to overflow. You begin to deny opportunities for fear of failure or getting your heart broken if you get too attached to the results. The only way out of it is to stop regretting everything, a stage impossible to maintain and improbable to attain.

Pankhuri - A past to be remembered (Re-edited)

Iteefaq se hum mile the,    

Jaane kab pehchan hui …   

Kuch din thodi baatein ki,

Aur dosti ki shuruvat hui …

Naadan si aapki harkatein,

Aadat hamari bhi ban gayi …

Jaise badti rahi dosti apni,

Rishto ko bhi vo badal gayi …

Kam hamare alag alag the,

Phir bhi roz mulakat hoti …

Na jaane aap kab ruthe ki,

Din mein bhi tab raat hoti …

Jis din thoda has deti thi aap,

Shaam haase bhari ho jati thi …

Ghumne phirne ki aadat aapki,

Humme har kahin pahuchati thi …

Phir aaya alag hone ka mauka,

Vo pal jab bichchadne the hum …

Duriyan ab badne lagi hamari,

Kyu saath nahi rehne ko the hum …

Aate jate bas milte rehna aap,

Kabhi  bhi bhul na jaana humhe …

Yaad ab hamesha rahegi aapki,

Aapne jo itna sataya hai humhe …

Insomnia

Sleep wants to come to me,
but it is so disturbed.
Ideas keep bouncing in mind,
screaming to break out.

Finding no problem to solve,
I am getting a bit bored.
Maybe I can roam at night.
walking the lonely road.

Outside looks so dark and blue,
I think the moon is shy.
Some stars peek outside clouds,
making me to look high.

A few cars still drive about,
reaching somewhere sure.
I should follow one of them,
to find something more.

I can sure not walk that fast,
neither will I run now.
Hopefully, one of them stops,
so I can grab it round.

I think the trees want to talk,
calling to walk the ground.
The grass looks really inviting,
to just lay and look abounds.

I think I feel a yawn coming,
time to move back home.
The bed may let me rest today,
if not I can again come out.

You are bio, I am math

This one is dedicated to you. You know who you are. 

There comes a day in every life,
When you are looking for a wife.
That moment came that night,
You were looking so very bright.

It was the light shining on tears,
Losing the key you gave to fears.
I stood their smiling at the affair,
The entire situation was so rare.

Wasn't pity taking over my heart,
But your plight had made me dart.
It seem so stupid to find it there,
Key hidden in bag with much care.

Bringing us together was our fate,
Exchanging numbers showed faith.
Spending time having endless chat,
Even topics as boring as cricket bat.

Differences had crept between us,
And we would fight while on the bus.
We always found way back together,
As nothing else we could do rather.

Our fun times had kept increasing,
For silly talks had got us breezing.
You had become an addictive habit,
Something better than any soft rabbit.

That moment had made me realize,
Our love has just ballooned in size
It maybe you are bio and I am math.
We can still walk on the same path.

Our journey together is endless road,
You can leave me when you get bored.
Come back to me as soon as you can,
Waiting for you forever now is this man.

Why should I do it

There is much pain my being in love,
but you long for it night and day.
In love our tears are not our own,
for they fall in simple trouble to else.

Maybe I fear an idea of  surrender,
any part of self to control by another.
There is a loss of the mastery of will,
that will mean you never stay alone.

Nightly thoughts

As I lay on the bed that night my mind just wondered.
There seems to be so much going on in life deterred.
I have so many friends online, so why do I feel alone.
I am so cheerful out there, so why do tears come home.

The darkness seems so deep, the light is so shallow.
For I hear the clock as it ticks those seconds so slow.
I enjoyed the food I made, yet my heart feels so bad.
I have seen happier days, so why are thoughts so sad.

Betrayal

They tell me to find another girl and move on. The only reply I can give them is that- "I was not rejected but I was betrayed". I have already moved on for I no longer have the same feelings for that girl that I did in the past. Yet the fact cannot be denied that I had invested a huge amount of trust and hope in the formation of that relationship. I can no longer afford to give the same trust or tend to have the same hope for any other relationship. In the absence of trust and hope no relationship can ever be better relationship.

Knowing what I could have given and what I would be able to give in the future. There would be a huge difference in the expectations I have and the expectations I know the other person would have. In the current lack of trust the relationship is doomed from the start and the person whose trust I may end up breaking may end up like me. There is no way I would want to play with the trust and hope of somebody else. No man or woman should lose hope and I cannot willingly be the cause of the false hope of another.

I have been told I am being too immature and that life is to move beyond the challenges that life throws at you. On the other hand, I always had a firm belief that maturity was in knowing that nobody is truly right or wrong in any situation and everybody will react differently in the aftermath of it. I have nothing against the person who broke my trust for I truly believe she is not wrong in the situation. I have reacted in the way I believe is best for others which may look like a different reaction from the ordinary but so was the situation. It is my way of moving on and any person who does not respect that is the one who lacks maturity.


Dedicated to Scar and Hunter

Till death do us apart

It may have been a few years now from the incident that changed our relationship forever. For today is not my death anniversary. You may think this day to be the day that I told you I had died, but in truth I should have died a long time before that. I had died the very moment that you told me, you did not love me anymore. It was that moment on that is the love was a word that filled my heart with hatred instead of joy. I had a very simple life before you came in it. I had nothing to live for but my own dreams and desires. You decided to arrive in my life and complicate everything up for me. I had not yet contemplate the level of relationship between us until the day you said you liked me. You may chosen to but did not stop there. Within a gap of few days, it was not just a simple like anymore but love.

The love I had expected but was still so unexpected in my life. My entire life and lifestyle took a ride on a roller-coaster that would change it forever. I was no longer the carefree person whose mind wandered the corridors of endless imagination. I had become that strangely practical person whose life had started to mean something. I did nothing but think about you and our future together in any and all my spare time. I was not just randomly dreamy anymore as now I had the anchor holding me down. The anchor that told me that I cared a lot about you and I need to start working on my dreams of a life together.

I remember that call I made before leaving. The special way you made the sound of "don't go" that touched my heart. To be truthful the echo of it still rings in my ears to this day. There were so many emotions in that sound, that it still creates doubts in my mind about my decision to go. Yet I had to go for it was for our future together that I was giving away a part of our present.

No decision have I ever rued more than that decision. It was that decision that forced me to die and it was that decision that ultimately led to us break up.

Dedicated to Scar and Hunter

What I need and Then maybe we could

What I need is a lending of ear...
and then may be I could talk...
It would end up all my suffer..
So I could share you my heart....

What I need is a fraction of time...
and then may be I could play...
It would eat up all my pain...
So we could have fun in clay....

What I need is a warmth of hug....
and then maybe I could sleep...
It would end up all my mares....
So I could not dream and weep....

What I need is a tiny bit of love...
and then may be I could smile...
It would end up all my hurt...
So I could carry you a mile...

What I need is a form of hope...
and then may be I could live...
It would end up all my worry...
So I could another day give....

Me and my loneliness

People have come in my life and people have gone by. An endless journey of travel and discovery and there is no one who stood by. Yet one thing that has never left my side is my loyal loneliness. She comes to me whenever I feel alone and leaves me when I have someone else. She is there in all my troubles but never wants a share of my happiness.

She was there when I was really sad and did not know what to do next. She was there when I wanted to cry but could not do so in front of others. She was around when I had to study hard and noise was my biggest enemy. She was around while I was fighting my own battles with the will and I nearly did not survive. She was there even as my best of friends had forgotten me. She was with me in my greatest hour of need and the deepest hour of trouble.

I have only this to say to you - "I know I have always wanted to leave you alone. I have always tried to avoid you and keep away from you. Now though, I have found the truth. The truth that you always think what is best for me. I want to hug for every time you helped me survive while others lay ignorant. Who needs a girlfriend when I have a girl like you in my life who does nothing but help me in my bad days without a word, just silently listening and completely understanding. "

Where are you now ?

When people disappear from our lives it is so hard to remember the exact moment that they actually left you. The last words that we said to each other or the last place we actually sat together. For a long time they may have been an immovable part of our daily schedule. Every evening we would have been spending our time chatting or playing together. Then suddenly comes a time called the present when we do not know where he is or what she is up to. It has been days since our last chat or call. It has been so long before a shared memory was created and added to that immense pile of reminiscent glories in our past.  

The internet was supposed to bring people closer, it was going to help us keep connected. Why is it then that we still do not talk to each other so often anymore. We may tend to believe that we do not have as much time as we had then. Priorities may have changed and maybe our schedules have suffered.  Yet we still find ourselves spending time on doing nothing whatsoever in the weekends. We still have time to go delve in our inner thoughts endlessly and watch those meaningless images or videos that we come across in the multimedia. 

When we do meet, we could spend countless hours being nostalgic about the time we did spend together but then we are back in our own journey to the Neverland. It only feels like we took a mild detour on our highway because there was some construction work going on. We have made a lot of new friends but they still do not emulate the joy we had with our old buddies. There is a blank left in our lives which we have prepared ourselves. No matter how much self analysis we do, we can never fill those gaps on our own. As we are the ones who created it, it is impossible for us to go beyond them.

We are still looking for things that would take us out of this endless cycle of boredom we suffer from in our daily jobs. Yet we are seeking the answers in the future, but the answers lie  in the past. It is true that life is full of endless possibilities and endless number of people. Yet it depends completely on us if we want to take those old friendships in our lives as a comma or as a full stop. 

It is not in my nature to forget the past and there is no way that people who forget their old friends can ever make new friends with conviction. So get back on those phones or the Facebook pages and reconnect with your friends. Let them not be just a part of your past but also of your future. 

Sleepless and Dreamless

Every time I try to sleep on my bed, I feel alone. It could be because from the moment I met you, I have wanted to be with you. I want to be with you on this bed in the morning as well as the night. I want you during the wake up tea and the midnight snack. The double bed in my house screams every night about the fact that these is a huge void in my life. I know you will be the person who can fill that void. I need you to fill the vacant space in my heart.

Before I met you, my nights were dreamless. Now every night I dream of us together. Reality just wakes me up in the morning. My heart realizes that all its hope and happiness throughout the night was just a big lie. The naked truth stares at me, that you are no longer in my life. You are not going to be there as I live another day of my lonely life, Come back to it my dear, I really miss you.

If you decide to come back. I will never ask you why you left. I will not ask you if you plan to leave again. I will only ask you to be with me the whole time you have to spare. 

My masterpiece

Among popular request I am finally publishing on blog my favorite writing in the romantic genre. 

Dear Future wife,

I do not usually write letters, but the last time we were chatting it seemed like you were expecting a letter from me. As you have known by now that I always have and will do things that make you happy and want to avoid disappointing you again. So after six long years, I will be attempting to write a postal mail to someone very special. Just for you. If you find any faults and mistakes in the letter, grammatical or emotional. Take them as my inexperience in both.

From the day you told me that you like me and then later on that you love me. I have been feeling that you are the greatest gift that life decided to give me. Throughout my life time I have tried to choose the path of greater good. Then you came into my life and we started planning our future together. You became my first and I believe the only selfish choice. I may have shown a lot of my true self to you than I ever did to anyone. So losing your friendship would be the worst part in my entire life’s journey.

Whenever my mind wanders I think about the chances we had to be together. I wanted to spend more time with you chatting. I always missed not having met you before I left. It would have been nice spending quality time together even if spent in talking gibberish or roaming around on endless roads.

I know we did make a lot of exciting plans together, none of which came to fruitation but all of them have become part of my best dream collection during nights. I also know that you had a lot of expectations from me and I just ended completely disappointing you. I have hated every moment of that. Especially, not meeting when I said I would and going without proper goodbye.

I wanted to include some advice in the letter. The best would be the one that could help you in the biggest problem you face. About the problem at your home. I want to tell or rather remind you of something that you may already know by now. In every family as long as people stay together with each other and getting in somebody’s way or belief. Disputes will arise and there would be angry fights. This will happen with anybody and happens in most families.

Still no matter how much or how many times you get upset with your parents or even if they fight each other. No matter how big a fight has been. The bond that connects everyone is extremely strong. They will always care for each other and definitely for you. So never take tension about it. Stress does not look good on you.  

To prove my point, I want you to imagine a moment when all of your friends may have left you because of changes in your life or theirs. Now imagine the most adverse of conditions you will ever face and you will see that your family would never leave you and never stop supporting you in your need. That is the trust that forms a solid foundation between you and them.

I know you were always curious about why I did not have any girlfriends or relationships before you. The simple reason was that I never wanted a girlfriend but a wife. The more complex was what kind of girl I was looking for to be my wife. Unlike normal people I was not looking for a wife who is rich or beautiful and never for a good cook or maid. Also I am a bit asexual by nature which means I am not that sexually attracted to woman and none at all to men.

I also believe in platonic love. So I had been on a lookout for a girl I could trust blindly, a girl that could have fun with me, and a girl who possessed a kind and understanding heart. So basically I was on the lookout for someone like me. You were that girl and more. After you now I am forced to look for additional qualities. Now I want a girl to be my life partner with whom I can spend my life and enjoy growing up kids. I want a girl with whom I can spend time spreading happiness and discovering subtle nuances of life.

Now you always asked me how I am so sure that I love you. I want you to know the biggest reason. I know in my heart that in future if there comes a moment to choose between getting you happiness and giving up my life. I would gladly choose the latter. This is what makes me so sure that I really love you. You are the only one I have ever loved and maybe the only one I ever will. You have set the bar so high that if not you, there is no other woman out there for me. For no girl can be better than you. After meeting you and knowing you, I cannot settle for any less or anyone else.

I am not familiar about how much you know about Greek history. So I will tell you something about the person in Greek legend known as Prometheus. It is written that it was Prometheus who gave mankind the gift of fire. The gods had forbidden Prometheus to do it so he was punished. They created a special jail for him which had pigeons that would attack and eat the liver out Prometheus causing him immense pain every day. Every night the liver would heal itself, thus making Prometheus suffer till eternity for a single mistake.

It is said that every day he was asked if he repented his decision. Prometheus said that he would gladly suffer for eternity for what he knew was the right choice. I have chosen to tell you this story as it can be compared to ours. If in future you decide to part ways and end up loving someone else or marrying another person. It may cause endless pain and suffering to me for a long time, even until I die. Still from this day to that day I will never rue the decision of choosing to love you with all my heart. I want you to give our relation your best try. For no matter what happens in future, in the end I want you to be happy and I also know I can provide you with that happiness.

You must think I over emphasize the fact about keeping you happy. There is a thing I have learned about woman in life. A woman no matter how common she is can be a queen and no matter how precious she is she can be a maid. Depending on how she is treated by the man she loves. I can keep you as my queen. At the end keep this in mind, when you find someone for you. Test him on this parameter and you will know if he is right for you or not.

I have seen a human life end for no reason, up close. Life is too short to keep postponing things. I know I will wait forever to spend my remaining life with you. That single ray of hope is also a poison that is killing me from the inside. Please do not keep me hanging. When you know how good your life can be, it is impossible to convince yourself in any other direction. My mind always follows my heart and my heart is stuck with you. Every stray hope bound to my heartbeat tells me that someday you will recognize my love and love me back truly. For I am the nicest person I know and you are the one for whom I care the most.

You will meet a lot of people who’ll tell you that staying happy is about letting go things that make you sad. Believe in me for I have learned the hard way that it does not happen so in real life. For being truly happy and staying happy, we need to find things that make us happy. That is another reason why we should make the boo-boo of letting each other go. If that is what you want.

I can only wish you all the best for your future and may you find love again in life. Promise me to always keep yourself safe and happy. Remember whenever you need any help I can find ways to help you. All you need to do is ask.

If you decide to never meet me again then I want you to complete writing on those cards. And on the day of our anniversary send them to my home. I really want to read them.

Also I would still love to be part of your life so keep me informed with what goes on in your life no matter how small the incident. Hope this letter finds you before the things I have set in motion begin.

Your future husband

Peace

P.S. – I will always love you forever. 

My letter to you

Dearest girl,

No matter where I am, no matter what I do, you shall always be in my heart and in every blue lub dub.

I love you as a soldier loves his country..... and a captain his ship..... I will sit by your bedside for days while you are sick......
I will protect you like a tiger protects it's cub...as a dog his friend...I will stick with you like a gator or a roo ...and never let you be alone.....
I have always been a lone wolf, but am wanting to be a homely tiger. Would you be my tigress. We would just hunt together in the jungle.....

There is a man who loves you with all his heart, follows you like a shadow. He smiles for the world but lets you see his hurting inside. He loves you alone, how much time more is needed for you to love him. That man's mind is full of sadness, because he has to keep his feelings to himself. That man loves you because you are both the same. You are both fools. I want to be loved by you. My heart cries for you, but you do not hear. Yet it still waits for you.

Your man,
Forever

My thoughts on your sob story

Life is a huge battle and alliances must be formed to fight that battle. One such alliance is the institute of marriage. A bond made between two people to live their lives together as one couple. They are the ones who protect each other from the world and provide help to each other in every aspect of life. A partner that gives you the strength to do things that you never dreamt.

People believe that there is one person who is perfectly build to be their partner or companion or ally. Whole life time are spent looking for that someone special. To search one person in a million is a huge achievement. This is where math becomes our enemy. If we imagine the perfect person to be a perfect score of 100 then there would still be a lot of people with a score of 98 or 99. They are nearly perfect and when they come in front of your eyes. You believe them to be the one.

If you imagine you have met the one person who is perfectly made for you. Then he has to be perfect for you. If he is not then there will be more and there will be others. Every friend of mine who has had a break up comes to me and says he/she was perfect for me and we would never find anyone like him/her. Well good news for you people is India alone has a population over a billion. Somewhere among these people is another person who will be better for you than the one you just lost. If you do not believe in the math then believe in the destiny. Look at the person who left you and think, did you really want him to be that person. Did you want your perfect life mate to be the person who leaves you behind for someone else or just plain leaves you for no reason at all?

People have given endless reasons to break up with someone. He did not have same faith as me or she did a lot of shopping. You may think of endless reasons, yet there is one and only one reason. You broke with her because you did not love her enough. People in love do not leave you behind. They wait for you and stay with you forever. Whenever you fail to find the right person remember Edison and his invention of bulbs. It is not just about the finding the right material but also cancelling out the wrong ones.

Waqt

Waqt be waqt vo kyu yaad ati hai....
Na jaane vo kyu ab jahen me ati hai...
Bhul jana chahta hai har bar usse dil...
Phir bhi parchai uski saath me ati hai...

Gagan ke pass rehta hu to tu saath...
Zameen me jhakta hu to bhi saath...
Kahin chod aaya hu usse me dur...
Phir bhi baaatein uski aaj bhi pass..

Adhuri reh gayi hai jo humari baat...
Sochta hu ye ab na jaane kayi raat...
Wapis pass agar aaj bhi aa jao tum...
Phir se dur ho jayenge mere ye gum....

Why I can't stop loving you ?

You broke my heart when it had just started to find out the nuances between being in love and being loved. It seemed that I had quite a lot to learn when it came to loving someone with your heart. I believed that I loved everyone as I always found myself getting attached to people emotionally and easily. Until you came in my life and showed me that one person can be loved more than everyone else.

We were so perfect together. I loved chocolates and u did not. It meant I did not have to share them which I hated. I loved showing off and you did not. You would just listen curiously to any tale I told you about my life. You loved to learn and I loved to teach. You made me correct your mistakes and teach you so much that I started correcting everyone's mistakes even when they did not want me to. You loved to speak and I loved to listen. You liked to tell me about everything in your past and present and I loved to hear those stories as they were my own. You loved staying at home and I loved roaming around endlessly. You always ended up home and I was always going away from it. 

It is not just the differences but also the similarities between us that made us perfect. We both loved the environment and wanted to do something about protecting it. We both were interested in a life long relationship. No relation is good that does not have an end. 

To be continued......
  

Why ?

They always asked me why did I leave her when I was so hopelessly in love with her. I always tell them that being in love is not about stalking a person but it is about leaving them alone. Leave them to make decisions that make them happy. Love is all about Happiness and Freedom. It is not about your own happiness and never about what you want. It is always about the other person and their needs.

I never said a word when she said that she did not love me anymore. She told me when she started loving me and she told me when she stopped. The day I realized there was no return possible was when she told me that she has fallen in love with some one else. That is when I decided to give in to the real me. The person the world knew to be the king of deception. The moment of pure love was gone, now the love had to be tested. It had to past the test of caring, company, compassion and future. She had to show care for me, be mindful of my company, show compassion to others and plan a future with me.

In testing her on those scales. I never knew when the scales were broken and she had gone beyond reach. That is when I realized that in testing my love for her, I had lost her love for me. The plans I made to see if she loved me or not, had moved her further into the path of not loving me anymore. She may have seen past my old self, she may even have embraced the real me. Yet she did not know which one was the real me anymore. May be it was a message for me that I did not deserve her. I was as always the hopeless romantic.